‘Nothing can shake a child’s world quite like the death of a loved one. And no one can comfort a grieving child like the One who is a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).’
Bob Kellemen, Caring for the Souls of Children
Helping children navigate grief can feel overwhelming. Their sorrow is layered: not just sadness, but sometimes confusion, fear, or even misplaced guilt. Grief is a tender, tangled journey, especially for the young. How can we help?
1. Be Prepared
Though death is inevitable, we often feel unready to guide our children through it. Thinking ahead won’t prevent grief, but it helps lay biblical foundations.
Talk openly about death as part of life. Western culture tends to hide death from view, but even a walk through a graveyard can spark helpful conversations. Christians can have such conversations with confidence, knowing death isn’t the end.
Teach from the Bible. Take opportunities to explain that death is our final enemy (1 Corinthians 15:26) as a result of the fall (Genesis 3), but Jesus defeated it by His crucifixion and resurrection, so those who trust in Him have the hope of eternal life (1 Corinthians 15). Teach about the new creation.
At the end of teaching a Bible overview, we gave the children tissue boxes with Revelation 21:4 on the side. They decorated them and took them home as a reminder that, one day, there will be no more death, crying, or sadness.
Keep the conversation ongoing and age-appropriate. Young children may not be able to understand what death is, but you’re giving them the language to build on.
2. Understand How Children Experience Grief
Avoid the urge to try to ‘fix’ a grieving child, or minimise their sadness. Instead, show them a glimpse of how our Saviour comforts us: be present, sit with them, cry with them, show them they are not alone. Grief looks different at different ages, and each child will respond in their own unique way:
- Toddlers may not understand death, but will pick up on their parents’ emotional shifts.
- Preschoolers may see death as temporary or reversible.
- School-aged children begin to understand its permanence and may feel fear or guilt.
Children tend to grieve in waves, moving in and out of sadness quickly – fine one moment and distressed the next. Give them space to return to their grief over time, especially around milestones and anniversaries.
A friend’s daughter, who was very young when her mother died, said it helped her when people did normal things with her – eating, playing, baking. It gave her stability in the midst of overwhelming sorrow. She said: ‘Being in the safe and familiar space of church family, who existed before and after, helped to provide some respite and normality.’
3. Recognise the Different Ways Children React
Biblical counsellor Darby Strickland says grieving children face two major emotions: instability and despair. But since children don’t have the vocabulary or maturity to be able to put their feelings into words, it can affect their behaviour. Grief affects children’s mind, body, and emotions. For example:
- mind: difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, lots of questions about death
- body: sleep disruption, appetite changes, relapses in potty training
- emotions: anger, numbness, sadness
Grief often exposes our sin. When life falls apart, it’s hard to keep up appearances. Christ responds with mercy, forgiveness, and grace. And we’ll need the Spirit’s help to respond to our children as both sinners and sufferers.
4. Support Parents as They Support Their Children
It is tough for an adult experiencing grief to also care for a grieving child. They need much prayer and support from the church family (1 Corinthians 12:26), such as friends giving the parent a break by regularly having the children.
Children often reflect their parents’ responses to grief, so parents will need help to face their own grief with Christ, and model honest emotion and lament.
Encourage parents to give children freedom to ask hard questions and express big feelings through talking, crying, and praying together. Suggest reading and singing Scripture with their children (Psalm 147:3; Revelation 21:4) to hold sorrow and hope together.
The funeral is an important part of a child’s grieving and can give them a real sense of why the gospel matters so much. Prepare them by talking through what they will see and hear. Maybe they could write or draw something that could be incorporated into the funeral.
5. Teach Children to Lament
Children may feel sad, angry, or confused. These emotions are signs of deep pain. Darby Strickland suggests teaching children to lament in three steps:
- Talk to God about how you feel.
- Ask God for help.
- Remember God is someone in whom we can place our trust and hope (e.g. Psalm 46:1).
When you help a child learn to lament, you gain insight into how they’re feeling and how they’re processing what’s happened. More importantly, you’re showing them how God is part of their story and how they can turn to Him when they’re deeply hurting. The Psalms offer powerful language for lament.
6. Tell the Bigger Story: Hope in Jesus
Gently remind children of the bigger story: Jesus understands sorrow (John 11:35). He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Because of Him, death is not the end (1 Thessalonians 4:13–14).
Helping a child grieve isn’t pushing them to move on or shielding them from pain. It’s about walking with them through the valley – honestly, patiently, and prayerfully. Let them cry. Let them question. Keep pointing them to the One who overcame death and will wipe away every tear.
Resources to share with children
- Something Sad Happened by Darby Strickland
- God Made Me for Heaven by Marty Machowski
- Henry Says Goodbye, edited by Ed Welch
- The Moon Is Always Round by Jonny Gibson
- Count Yourself Calm: Taking Big Feelings to a Big God by Eliza Huie
- Jesus Strong and Kind by Sinclair B.Ferguson
Resources for adults
- Helping Your Family Grieve: Lament and Remember Together by Darby Strickland
- Caring for the Souls of Children, edited by Amy Baker
- Grief and Your Child: Sharing God’s Comfort in Loss by Robert W. Kellemen
