I’m not particularly ‘handy.’ When it comes to doing bits and pieces around the house, I have learned that is best to get someone who knows what they’re doing – or at least someone who knows more than me.
When we needed a TV bracket put up on the wall, we asked a friend who owns a drill and, crucially, knows how to use it. When the dripping tap needed fixed, we called a plumber. Even when we have Ikea furniture to build, more often than not, it is my wife who takes charge!
DIY is my kryptonite. It stresses me out, frustrates me no end and leaves me deflated. I am inevitably left staring at the unfinished piece of furniture, completely bewildered by the sheet of instructions.
It is, in my experience, much easier just to get someone else to do it.
When it comes to the discipleship of children and young people, for many parents it is often much easier just to outsource that task to the local church. Our cultural moment has taught us that this is the norm in so many areas of life. We ‘outsource’ all sorts of areas of our children’s development to all kinds of different professionals.
We send them to school to be educated.
We send them to music lessons to learn how to play an instrument.
We send them to sports clubs to be coached.
We send them to tutors to pass their exams.
And so the logic dictates that we send them to church to be discipled.
And of course on the one hand we want to say ‘Yes!’ It is absolutely vital that Christian parents bring their children to church. In fact, one of the very best decisions we can make for the spiritual formation of our children is to enfold them in a congregation that is committed to historic Christian teaching and multigenerational gathering for corporate worship.
Church matters. A lot. We know this to be true.
On the other hand, we want to say that the consistent biblical emphasis is that the discipleship of children is a partnership between parents and the Church, with parents bearing the primary responsibility. Passages such as Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Psalm 78:1-8, Ephesians 6:1-4 all hint at this.
My hunch is that for many of us interested in children’s youth and family ministry none of this is particularly new information. In fact, my hunch is that even for many of the parents in our churches, none of this will come as a huge surprise.
And yet the discipleship of their own children can feel a bit like kryptonite for many parents. It stresses them out, frustrates them no end, leaves them deflated, bewildered and feeling like a failure. And so it is much easier for parents to outsource this job rather than to take the lead in it themselves.
What can and should we say to parents in that situation? Here are a couple of suggestions:
1. Your Influence Matters – way more than you think it does.
The data suggests that parental influence is unrivalled when it comes to passing on the faith. In a significant piece of research published by Oxford University Press, sociologists Christian Smith and Amy Adamczyk explored the key factors involved in the successful passing on of faith in American families. They wrote,
“All the research today shows clearly that parents are by far the most important factor influencing their children’s religion, not only as youth, but also after they leave home. Not clergy, religious schools, youth ministers, neighbourhoods, Sunday school, mission trips, service projects, summer camp, peers or the media. Parents. This is who matters here and now…Parents set a ‘glass ceiling’ of religious commitment above which their children rarely rise.”
Perhaps our parents need to hear this. And perhaps they need to hear it more often than we think they do. It can be easy for them to think that they exert little or no influence over their children – particularly in the teenage years. However, the data consistently suggests that not only do they matter, but that they matter most when it comes to shaping the spiritual lives of their children.
2. Talking with your Children about God matters – way more than you think it does.
One of the most fascinating aspects of Smith and Adamczyk’s research is their assertion that parents regularly talking to their children about faith at home is a very significant factor in their spiritual development. They discovered that when it comes to explaining a child maintaining religious commitment well into adulthood, “the strongest association is with parents regularly talking with their children about religious matters as part of ordinary life.”
Of course, we should say that this is no guarantee of a child developing a mature Christian faith as an adult. Only the Spirit of God can bring about new birth and genuine repentance in the life of a child. However, we ought not to be surprised by the data. In fact, surely it is an affirmation that the principles outlined in Deuteronomy 6:4-7 really do work:
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a]5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
John Calvin, when commenting on these verses, stated, “Moses does not urge the people to empty talkativeness, to which many are much too inclined, but he would have them severally thus establish themselves and be teachers of each other.”
Many modern day parents ought to talk to their kids more in general; and Christian parents ought to talk more to their children about the gospel in particular.
We are always teaching our children whether they realise it or not. If the gospel is never talked about at home, what does that communicate to our children about what really matters?
God works in children’s lives by the ordinary means of grace. One of the very best things we can encourage parents to do is to talk with their children about the gospel; to use the ordinary moments that come our way on a regular basis – around the dinner table, the drive home from school, the late nights on the sofa, the latest news headline – as opportunities for discipleship.
Doing the ordinary things of life, but with a gospel intentionality.
Of course what this looks like will vary from family to family. The specifics are somewhat negotiable – but the big idea is the same: talking to your children about the gospel matters – way more than we often think it does.
So where does that leave us?
We need to resist the mindset that the outsourcing of discipleship is the way to go. As Church leaders, we need to encourage, pray for and equip our parents to take the lead in the discipleship of their kids. This can feel so overwhelming for so many – and we’ll need to pastor with courage, confidence, grace and patience. Our posture towards parents should be one of immense support and partnership – so that they know we are very much in their corner as they raise their kids in the faith.
And parents – you need to know that in His sovereign wisdom God has placed you in your children’s lives so that ultimately they might come to know Him. One of the great privileges of being a parent is this tremendous responsibility to pass on the faith to our kids. By God’s grace and with the help of His Spirit (and the support of His Church) – you can do this. And it will be the very best gift you ever give to them and the most significant legacy that you ever leave for them. Press on – and may you know the Lord’s help as you parent.
