The Moment You Realise Your Teen is Living a Double Life
You’re standing in the kitchen, half-listening to your teenager chatter away on the phone while rummaging for a snack. You’re not really paying attention—just catching a word here and there—until something unusual stands out.
“…Yeah, but I’d never post that on my rinsta. Only on finsta, obvs.”
You pause. Finsta? Rinsta? That’s not English. That’s… something else. A new app, perhaps? A Gen Z code word? Something dangerous? Your mind races through all the internet horror stories you’ve skimmed through but never fully read.
You casually lean against the counter, trying to sound nonchalant. “What’s a finsta?”
There’s a moment of hesitation. A calculated pause. Then a dismissive shrug. “Nothing. Just a thing.”
Ah, just a thing. The international teenage phrase for something I really don’t want to explain to you. You try again. “Is it like… a new kind of filter?”
Now they look at you with barely concealed pity. “No, Mum. It’s—ugh, never mind.”
And just like that, the subject is closed.
But it’s too late. Your curiosity is piqued. You make a mental note. You’re going to get to the bottom of this. Because, apparently, your teenager is operating in a secret social media underworld you didn’t even know existed. Welcome to the realm of rinstas and finstas—a land most parents, youth ministers, and volunteer leaders are completely oblivious to. And it’s time we start paying attention.
This Isn’t New… But It Is New
Before we descend into full parental meltdown, let’s acknowledge something: teenagers have always had different versions of themselves. The sweet, polite child you raised can be an entirely different creature in the wild (also known as school, Snapchat, or their group chat titled “inside jokes you wouldn’t understand”). This is not new. In fact, teenagers have long lived dualistically, maintaining separate identities depending on their environment. There has often been a sacred-secular divide, where church and faith belong in one compartment, and everything else—school, friendships, social media—lives in another.
But what is new is the digital nature of it. Now, those dual identities aren’t just acted out in different spaces; they’re documented, curated, and algorithmically amplified.
So, what exactly are we dealing with?
A rinsta—or “real Instagram”—is the public face. This is where everything is polished, respectable, and curated for the masses. Think aesthetic photos, captions that sound effortless but actually took 15 minutes to craft, and maybe a Bible verse on a sunset background just to keep up appearances.
A finsta—or “fake Instagram”—is the hidden world. This is where the chaos happens. It’s raw, unfiltered, and often deeply embarrassing. The audience is carefully controlled: only close friends (and definitely not parents, youth leaders, or anyone with the power to confiscate a phone). The irony? While it’s called a fake Instagram, to many teens, this actually feels like the real one.
This isn’t just about having fun—it’s about identity experimentation, selective authenticity, and fear of exposure.
The Theology of the Finsta
So what’s really happening here? Let’s apply some biblical categories to this social media phenomenon. First, there’s the issue of identity experimentation. Teenagers are in a constant process of figuring out who they are, and the finsta is like a test kitchen for their personality. Here, they try out different versions of themselves—funny, angsty, rebellious, self-deprecating—before deciding which one makes it to the rinsta. The rinsta is who they want to be; the finsta is where they think they are. But the real question is: where does their identity truly come from?
Then there’s selective authenticity. Many teens claim, “My finsta is the real me.” But is it? Or is it just another performance, curated for a select audience? Jesus calls us to live with integrity, to have an undivided heart (Psalm 86:11). True authenticity isn’t about choosing which version of ourselves to show—it’s about being fully known before God, without the need for filters or audience control.
And beneath it all is fear of exposure. The rinsta exists to impress; the finsta exists to be “real,” but only in a controlled environment. Both are, in their own way, acts of self-protection. But the gospel calls us into the light, into a space where we don’t have to manage perception to secure love. Jesus offers us the radical freedom of being fully known and fully loved (1 John 1:7).
Why This Matters for Discipleship
If we’re discipling young people without understanding the world they live in, we’re already behind. Many of us have spent years addressing the sacred/secular divide, but what we’re seeing now is something far more complex. Teenagers aren’t just living double lives—they are curating and managing their identities in real-time, every single day. If we ignore this, we’ll miss one of the most crucial discipleship opportunities of our time.
We need to talk about it. Most parents and youth leaders don’t even realise this is happening. If we want to disciple well, we need to ask good questions, listen well, and understand how social media is shaping young people’s sense of self. We need to be willing to enter their world—not with fear and lectures, but with genuine curiosity and grace.
And we need to point them to Jesus, not just as a good example of authenticity but as the only place where their identity is truly secure. Colossians 3:3 tells us, “For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” That’s the only identity that doesn’t shift with trends, approval ratings, or follower counts.
Another layer to this is performative Christianity. Many teens have a rinsta faith—the polished, presentable version of Christianity they put forward at youth group—and a finsta faith—what they really think and feel. But if Jesus is Lord, He is Lord of both. True discipleship must bridge that gap and show them that faith is not something to perform, but something that permeates all of life.
How to Have These Conversations Without Sounding Like a Boomer
Want to kill a conversation in seconds? Start with, “Back in my day…” Instead, try asking genuine questions. “Hey, I heard teens have finstas—what do you use yours for?” That will get you a lot further than, “You’re living a double life, child!”
Laugh with them. Teens know it’s ridiculous that they have multiple Instagram selves. If we can acknowledge the absurdity, we’ll have an easier time speaking into it all.
But most importantly, offer them something better than just digital behaviour warnings. Show them that Jesus offers a better way to live—not just managing perception, but resting in the security of being fully known and fully loved.
The Only ‘Real Me’ That Matters
The gospel tells us that we are fully known, fully seen, and fully loved—not by a select group of finsta followers, but by our Creator. The truest “real me” isn’t found on a finsta or a rinsta—it’s found in Christ. And that’s far better than anything social media could ever offer.
So next time your teen fumbles awkwardly when you ask about their Instagram accounts, take a deep breath, sip your tea, and enter their world with them. Because that’s where discipleship begins.
